hello everybody i would like to make a formal apology for acting in a concerning manner without warning and then pretending like nothing happened i promise i am ok. regarding my last diary entry, i am back to 100% health and the antihistamines and all of their adverse effects have completely worn off so i am fine, i am normal and back to going about my life and i am eating three meals a day and everything.

the truth of the matter is that i have lowkey been going through it and have been really feeling a lack of support from the irl people in my life, and i am also extremely bad at communicating my emotional needs because vulnerability is #scary. this has kind of manifested as me going about my life presenting as completely normal and cheerful interspersed with moments of erratic behavior and just saying crazy shit. i don't know how to express myself in a vulnerable way so i just say things without thinking that don't make any sense and then try to course correct so people don't worry which never works. but i promise that i am ok and i just want to put that out there since i know my last 2 diary entries have been a little bit gibberish. i am working through things privately in a healthy manner so i am going to be alright.

aanyway, in recent life updates, i got hired for this really really cool short-term gig as assistant production manager for the theater where i work! i am a little nervous, i went through my onboarding on wednesday and it's looking like i am going to have a LOT more responsibility than i initially thought, which is a little intimidating! my job is basically going to be like basic assistant tasks like errands, providing snacks to the creative team of this play, being the notetaker for meetings, etc, but they told me that i am expected to also serve as a kind of catch-all problem solver, that my job is to hang out and "catch the other shoe when it drops", which is very intimidating since that's not really something you can prepare for. but i think i can do it! also i haven't really been thinking too hard about my future career prospects because i live in the moment and the future is scary, but i think that maybe production management is something i'd be interested in long-term and this is a great first step to building connections there! so, wish me luck!!

also my spotify wrapped is gonna be fucked this year. everybody go watch julie and the phantoms

can i be so fucking candid with y'all last week was dire. i had to go to the emergency room because i exploded in hives and we still don't know why, and then spent a solid 6 days in a row drugged out of my mind on benadryl. i tried to hang out with friends last weekend and felt like i was going out of my mind because i was so paranoid that EVERYONE i talked to thought i was on drugs (because i was on drugs). i felt like i couldn't form coherent conversation, like everything i said was a non sequitur. i am too embarrassed to ask my friends if they could tell that i was on drugs because that would be admitting that i was on drugs. also i learned that antihistamines give me depression which is great to know. also they totally destroyed my appetite, i have been off the drugs for three days and still haven't felt the sensation known as hunger since last tuesday. last friday i went a full 24 hours without eating anything but 3 mini waffles, and then i only ate something because i was concerned, not because i was hungry. i don't even know why i waited 24 hours before becoming concerned, i wanted to see how long i could last and also i was not thinking rationally because i was on drugs. but i am better now i promise!!! i am reminding myself that self expression is good for me and i should tell people stuff so here you go, strangers on the internet, so much tmi about my week of out of character severe depression before returning to almost normal even though i'm still only eating two meals a day because i've lowkey forgotten what normal eating habits are supposed to look like and also i'm not hungry so i forget. whoops. at least i'm lucid now!!

relapsed and am rewatching heartstopper again (this makes 4 times in 3 months!!). i also started a rewatch of h2o just add water and is it too early to say that i wanna be lewis for halloween

loooool i forgot about this page. heyyyy yall

rapid fire life update: i finished my big girl job working on that fancy play with famous people and it was really fun. i am one degree of separation from anna kendrick AND aubrey plaza now and probably some other famous people too but i think those ones are the funniest. i've watched the netflix tv show julie and the phantoms 6 times in the past 2 weeks. i'm currently visiting my parents? i dont know what else

wait fuuuuck have you guys watched the new netflix show the residence yet because i just watched it twice and it was good cordelia cupp i love you. please watch it. also can you tell that when i like things i watch them over and over again until i have to force myself to stop.

i've actually been going through this crazy smell-memory nostalgia thing recently and i need to go camping so bad right now. i miss the smell of dirt and trees. sorry this diary entry is probably actually unhinged and yall don't need to know any of this